


Training Wheels

by been away for ages (junhyunah)



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Aftercare, Age Difference, Age Play, BDSM, Blindfolds, Body Worship, Bondage, Caning, Caring Harry, Collars, Comfort No Hurt, Daddy Harry, Daddy Kink, Dd/lb, Dirty Talk, Dom Harry, Dom Perrie, Dom/sub, Feminine Harry, Feminization, Fetish, Flogging, Gags, Hair-pulling, Harry Has a Daddy Kink, Harry is 25 in this, Heavy BDSM, Impact Play, Kink Negotiation, London, M/M, Maybe idk yet - Freeform, Mental Health Issues, Mistress Perrie, Munch - Freeform, Nipple Clamps, Nipple Play, Obsessive Harry, Oral Sex, Original Character(s), Ownership, Paddling, Possessive Harry, Rough Sex, Safe Sane and Consensual, Sensory Deprivation, Spanking, Sub OC, Suspension, Switch Harry, Tattoos, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Watersports, always!, as in tattoo branding, ben is a great guy in this i swear, ben owns the place actually, cgl, he takes care of all the youngsters and makes sure everyone is safe and happy, healthy kink, how 50 shades should work tbh, im sorry this was almost larry but i had to write this, liam ties people up, niall is an educator at the dungeon, oc is 18, okay now for the good stuffs, overcoming anxiety through kink yay, perrie runs a bdsm dungeon whaddup, sometimes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-24
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2018-12-06 13:24:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11601546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junhyunah/pseuds/been%20away%20for%20ages
Summary: Harry meets a newcomer at his local bdsm munch in London - an American named Kyler. Happy to finally have found someone his age, his interest in the newly-of-age boy grows when they turn out to be a great match kinkwise. When Harry gets a bit too attached, however, Kyler has to decide if he's ready to take on a full-time relationship and commit to Harry as his submissive.Add in Perrie and Ben, who run the nearby bdsm dungeon Harry also works at, Liam and Niall who teach some rather useful skills, and a Louis that somehow gets dragged into everything - and Kyler's got a lot to decide.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I know I need to finish other stories, but I've attempted writing similar stories over and over - planned and meticulous. And they never get finished. This story is kind of writing itself, however. I may end up editing this and changing the oc to Louis in the future, but for now it's being written with an oc. I'm so sorry. Please give it a chance! :)  
> (Also, I'm writing like. Current Harry. So visualize that lmao)

I probably shouldn’t have been quite so terrified of walking through the doors of a small pizza shop, but my palms were outright sweating and I’m sure the panic is evident on my face. My eyes scan the shop, spotting the glass doors of a private space to the right, a sign reading ‘LLM’ hanging on the glass. There are a handful of people inside already, I can see them greeting each other casually as I take the few shaky steps towards the door. I’m almost tempted to turn around, order a slice of pizza to go and make a run for it - but someone inside the room is opening the door and speaking to me before I can move.

“Are you here for the LLM group?” I swallow, resisting the urge to choke on my dry throat, and nod.

When I looks up, I can see the man who opened the door has a friendly smile on his face, grey scruff lightly covering his chin and nothing about him gives any hint to the group’s true meeting purpose.

“You must be new. My name is John, would you happen to be Kyler?” He asks in a gruff but soft voice.

Again I nod, feeling a bit dumb when I shake my head and finally find my voice. 

“Yeah, sorry. I’m a bit nervous,” I try to laugh, but my voice shakes and the nerves must be more than apparent all over my demeanor right now. 

John just laughs, not mocking at all but warm. He puts out a very jovial vibe, and I think he’s probably something of a father figure to a lot of younger people in the scene.

“That’s completely okay. Everyone is nervous their first few visits, but I think you’ll like it when you meet the rest of the group. We’ve got some food inside, and I can introduce you while you settle in and adjust for a bit.” He tilts his head in the direction of the group further in the room as he speaks.

The relief settling into my bones was heavy and soothes the shaking just enough for my shaking steps to even out and my hands to stiffen at my sides. I follow John to the large table surrounded by chairs in the middle of the room and flinch only a little when the door squeaks shut. 

The first thing I notice is that most of the people are quite a bit older than me. The second thing I notice is the incredibly cute man standing across the room.

John grabs what must be his drink from the table and points to the chair next to his own, offering it to me. I offer what I hope is a smile but may have been more of a grimace, and quickly sit. 

Most of the group, only about ten to fifteen people, move to sit down around the table as well, passing around plates and cups and bottles of soda. I hesitantly take a plate and a single slice of pizza, only pouring a drink when I think about how dry my mouth is.

I try not to look at too many people, just glance at each person around me and offer small smiles to whoever I catch the eye of accidentally. When the guy I noticed sits next to me suddenly, it takes everything in me not to jump about a foot in the air. I hadn’t noticed him pulling out the chair but he slides in smoothly and the smile on his face is almost blinding when I look at him.

“‘M Harry. What’s your name?” Harry’s surprisingly deep voice almost seems to calm my nerves before the heat settles into my cheeks.

It’s clear that I’m new. My anxious mind is telling me that I don’t belong here and that coming was a mistake, but I’d finally worked up the courage to walk in this time and it was too late to back out. I’d actually come with the intention of joining two weeks prior, and I’d sat in the shop’s main seating area just to watch the group after losing my nerve at the glass doors of the private room. 

“I’m Kyler. Nice to meet you,” I cringe, hopefully only inwardly, at how uncomfortably awkward I sound when I speak. The dimples that grow in Harry’s cheeks as he smirks at me make me want to feel comfortable around the other boy, but I can’t shake my nerves so easily.

“Oh?” Harry tilts his head a bit to the side, smile softening as he takes a bite of the pizza piled on his plate, “An American. You’re the first in the group. What’re you doing all the way over here then?”

I sip at my soda, trying not to stare too much at the light in his eyes, or the sweet brown curls he pushes back when they fall just over his face.

“Well, I came over for school, but as it turns out… I didn’t do so well in your schooling system. I’m living with my uni roommate and looking for a job now.” I breathe slowly when I notice my voice has leveled out a bit, less nervous sounding than before. Harry just hums as he chews for a bit. 

The bustle around us is calming as everyone is settling in their spots now, and John stands just as Harry is about to speak again.

“Hello everyone!” The others cheer quietly and reply, but I watch silently. “So, to begin I’d like to introduce you to a newcomer here at the London Leather Munch. This is Kyler, he’s new to the scene and to London.” John pats my shoulder and I give a small wave to the group as they all chirp out ‘hello’s to me. 

“Can you introduce yourself? Tell us your role, where you’re from, your age. That stuff.” A woman with bright pink hair asks gently from the side of the table, a disarming smile in place and her legs primly folded where she sits. 

“I’m Kyler, as John said, “ I begin, trying to breathe evenly and avoid stuttering. “I’m a submissive, I’m eighteen and I’m originally from the states but moved to London last year.” I finish quietly, hoping the flaring heat over my face isn’t as noticeable to everyone else as it is to me. I get smiles all around and a few welcome replies, and the tension throughout my body eases as attention is pulled back to John.

As John talks about the group and some upcoming events, I notice a few people eyeing me and I grow uneasy. I jump a bit when I feel Harry’s arm lean on the back of my chair, not quite touching me. When I look over though, he’s simply leaning forward and watching John, flashing me a quick smile before looking back to the man.

“I really want to talk about community building today. Especially since someone new is here, I think that we really ought to talk about what it means to have a strong community in the kink scene.” John sits with this, and Harry faces forward again, his elbow brushing my shoulder when he leans off of my chair. 

If I could have, I probably would have watched him the whole time. Harry’s curls looked so soft, and the way he laughed seemed to take up this space - not intrusive but captivating. Like he just takes up all of your attention; he shines his dimpled smile at you and you can’t look away.

I try to participate in the conversation John leads, but there’s not too much for me to say given that I’ve never had a community to be a part of before. Not even back home in Washington. 

Harry nudges me towards the end, when the discussion has branched off into several talks and personal topics. 

“Have you been to Fetish yet?” He asks, downing the last of his drink and wiping at his face with a napkin.

I frown a bit, shaking my head.

“That’s the club near here, right?” I ask, trying to remember if I recall correctly the venue John spoke of previously.

“Yeah. It’s a great place. They have an intake day every Monday and they do tours, beginner classes, stuff like that.” I nod, feeling the anxiety start to seep back into my veins thinking of taking that next big step so soon. “I work there, if you’d like to take a tour with less people.” He finishes quietly.

I can’t help but smile, nervous as ever but definitely eased by the offer.

“That would be really awesome, actually. I have social anxiety so, I’m not great with people.” I shrug, trying to keep the heat off my cheeks.

“I can show you around and if you like it, do the intake for you on Monday if you’re available before noon.” Harry speaks quietly and softly, but there’s a smile sitting in his pink lips.

“This Monday?” I ask. It’s Saturday, and my nerves spike with so little time to prepare myself mentally but it’s better to jump in the pool at once than tiptoe in, right?

Harry just nods, patiently leaning his head onto his hand and resting his elbow on the table. 

I look to the pizza I’ve only eaten half of sitting in front of me, and I pull my hands up from my lap to rest them on the table.

“I think I can do it. Where exactly is it?” When he tells me the address, I frown a bit, trying to mentally calculate the cost of an uber there from my flat.

“If you need a ride, I could take you. If you’d like you can bring a friend along for the tour, but the intake is private if we get around to that.”

I smile as best I can, and nod. 

“That sounds great. I live about a ten minute drive from here on a good day, so uber isn’t the cheapest. I really appreciate the ride.” I say. Something about the words feel very decisive, final in their weight. 

“Of course. I wouldn’t mind showing you around London if you’re looking for something to do. Most Americans never see much of the city, only the tourist shit.” The giggle Harry lets out rings in my ears a bit too brightly, and I’m definitely gone for him. His smile is soft whenever he looks at me and I could listen to him talk about anything for the rest of my life.

Obviously, I’m being a bit dramatic, but if this cute guy is going to distract me from the impending implosion of anxiety i’ll inevitably be consumed by on Monday - I don’t really care.


	2. Chapter 2

When Monday rolled around, I was frantic. I spent most of Sunday primping - for no reason, I was aware, and googling various methods of soothing anxiety. I was petrified of absolutely nothing, to be honest. I knew what I was facing; I had searched the website for Fetish and viewed their gallery, so I knew what the place looked like. I even used google maps to view the streets surrounding the venue. 

There was really nothing that was going to calm me down, I decided, until I was inside Fetish and had had a moment to adjust. 

After the munch on Saturday, Harry and I had exchanged numbers and my phone dinged with a text from the other boy.

“Oh my god,” I groaned, seeing that he was outside of my building already. 

With a last glance in the mirror I ruffled my hair to be a bit more presentable and smoothed over my black jeans, band tee and denim jacket. I’d barely slipped on my shoes when my roommate, Louis, walked through the door.

“Be safe, don’t die, if the place looks cool hook me up.” He says as he walks past me and into his room. I sigh before leaving, trying not to trip as I carefully rush out the door and onto the street.

Harry is waiting, leaning against a large black car. A range rover. 

“Holy shit.” 

I hadn’t realized I’d spoken aloud until I hear Harry’s sparkling laugh, and he tugs open the car’s door for me. 

 

The drive is short and mostly quiet, just Harry explaining how the venue works, what he does and what I should expect. I know that he works the booking desk, plans appointments for the professional dominants and submissives that work through Fetish, and he checks in the individuals who work in a much… different sense.

“They have a cleaning slave?”

“I’m telling you,  _ he  _ pays  _ us  _ to clean the place. I wish I was joking, but he just really loves cleaning.” I can’t help but laugh when Harry just shrugs, leading me from the lot he’s parked his car in and up to the large metal doors on the side of the building in front of us. 

The outside is very normal, the decorative front looking elegant and dark, but the side of the building showing just how large it really is, with several stories of grey and black concrete. 

Harry unlocks the door, tugging the heavy metal open and guiding me in. The hallway is dim but not dark, the walls a creamy white and plenty of victorian-era decor littering the walls and furniture. 

It looks like this is a waiting area, almost, with the long couches and end tables lining most of the hall that leads up to a large glass desk near the main entrance.

“This is my desk, front and center. I’m secretly an attention whore so I make sure everyone has to look at my pretty face before going any further,” Harry snorts as he grabs a clipboard off of the desk and turns back to me. 

Where I’m stood in the main lobby area, the place looks an almost strange mix of old and modern. Glass fixtures and tables take the place of heavy wood but the black, white and wine red colors blend the contrasting themes together well. 

There’s a bit more furniture here, but the two branching hallways catch my interest. The one directly opposite the entrance we used appears to lead to a stairwell, and the other is much wider, black glass doors blocking the view. 

I see Harry writing something on his board before he looks back up at me.

“What do you think?” He asks.

“This looks incredible. A bit scary, maybe.” I tell him honestly. 

His smile doesn’t feel judgemental at all, and I try to remember to breathe. While I look around the lobby area, I take deep breaths and close my eyes every few minutes, trying to calm down.

I jump, my heart leaping in my chest when Harry suddenly claps his hands together, the sound ringing loudly in the silence.

“Sorry,” He laughs, “Didn’t mean for that to be so loud.” His eyes seem to be studying me for a moment, looking over my clothes and back to my eyes before he grabs a small ring of keys and stands. “Let’s get on with the tour, yeah?” 

I sigh and nod, placing my hand on my chest as if to ease the pounding there. I simply follow after Harry as he unlocks each door we pass, entering first through the black glass. 

“These are interview rooms and private spaces, strictly for non-play purposes. This larger room is for events and classes. Upstairs on the second floor is a level of play-oriented classrooms, gear rigs, stuff like that. The third floor is all playrooms.” Harry says, looking to me to be sure I was listening as we made our way through the bottom floor to open everything up. 

“Mistress Pez will be here in about half an hour, so I’ll show you the upper floors before she arrives.” I glance at him questioningly, frowning.

“She’s one of the professional dominants that work here during the day. Also one of the educators here. She sort of runs the place with the owner, Ben.” I nod, glancing around the large space before taking a moment to collect myself again.

“If you’re too overwhelmed, we can just hang out down here. Didn’t mean to just throw you to the kinky dogs here.” 

I shake my head in protest, but Harry just laughs.

“It’s okay, really, I’m just trying to take it all in. This place looks so cool. A bit heavy on the velvet in the front, maybe.” I joke, hoping it doesn’t sound too forced. Harry only nods and looks around for a moment. 

“What are you really looking for?” He asks, voice lower in the quiet room.

“What do you mean?” I frown, confused by his question. 

Harry sighs a bit, not unhappily, and he walks me back to the lobby area and towards the stairs.

“You went to the munch because you’re looking to meet people and connect with the scene here, right?” We walk up the two sets of concrete stairs, our footsteps clamoring loudly in the silence.

“Yeah, I guess.” I respond, trying to shrug it off but I know he’s completely right.

“So what are you looking for  _ here _ ? Do you just want casual play, the classes, a dominant?” He presses.

We stop, facing a large black and clear glass door that opens to a several more rooms and one larger room at the end of the hallway. These must be the classrooms he talked about.

When we walk through the door, he turns to me with a brow raised expectantly.

My throat tightens a bit, but I force out the answer I almost don’t want to give him.

“I’m trying to like, overcome my anxiety partially. I want to be open enough to participate at events but it’s kind of terrifying for me sometimes. I’m also…” I hesitate, not knowing how this will really sound to Harry, “I am also looking for a dominant. I really want to be involved in the real word here instead of just online.” 

My voice is tiny by the end, and Harry’s eyes seem so dark in the unlit hall. The windows let in natural light but it’s a gray day and the pale light only seems to darken the emerald of his eyes as he looks at me. I begin to feel nervous when he turns and leads me to the large room at the end of the hall, without saying anything.

When we walk through the heavy doors, though, he walks over to a large wooden bench on the wall to our right and sits, gesturing to the spot next to him.

“It’s good that you know what you want. Coming here with no real goal usually messes things up a bit, makes you lose track of what you want.” He’s roaming the room with his eyes, not stopping on any particular thing as I sit next to him. The bench is hard, and there’s leather lining the seat and back, along with many straps hanging from the bottom of the seat. This was clearly meant as a restraining bench, then.

I don’t really know how to respond to Harry’s words, so I choose to look around the room in silence. Most of the room is red and black, lots of gear and furniture hanging in a manner that might look a bit menacing to a vanilla person.

“What kind of submissive are you? And what are you looking for in a dom?” Harry blurts out, almost as if he hadn’t meant to say it out loud. His eyes were trained forward but he turns to me when I look to him, eyes dark in the bright room and his hands are nervously clenched in his lap.

“I…” I pause to think. I’m not sure entirely what he means by what kind of sub, but I tell myself to be confident in whatever I say. Not like it does me any good, but at least I can pretend to be confident.

“I’m a sub and a little, so I’m not as, um, hardcore as other submissives.” Harry’s eyes seem to jump at this, and I can see his adam’s apple bob against his throat. I try not to read too much into it and continue. 

“I guess I’m looking for a more experienced dom that can sort of take over for me. I don’t mean like, full control over me or anything but - like, for example, I hate ordering food because of my anxiety, so a dom that knows what I like being able to decide and order for me would be nice. That’s more the kind of control I would want, I suppose.” I know I’m rambling, but he still looks interested so I figure it’s not too bad yet. Before I continue again ,though. I decide to stop myself, unsure of how much detail Harry really cares to know.

“What else? Besides someone who cares about you enough to take care of you like that, what else are you looking for?” Harry’s voice is surprisingly rough when he speaks again, and I can’t help the way my muscles tense pleasantly at the low hum.

“Well, hopefully someone who also can take care of a little. Only very occasionally. And obviously someone who’s limits and likes match with mine…” I say quietly.

“What are your hard limits then?” He asks, moving his arm to lay against the bench behind me, barely touching my shoulder where his hand hangs.

“Absolutely  _ no  _ scat, blood, needles, knives, cutting... and nothing goes up my ass,” Harry bursts out a cackle, covering his mouth immediately and I can see the tops of his cheeks blossoming red under his fingers. I can’t help but laugh at how cute the sound was, covering my own mouth to hide the sound for a moment. 

“Pretend you didn’t hear that.” His voice is still raspy but with a squeaky edge to it when he lowers his hand back to his lap. “What about soft limits?”

“Hm… I don’t really like whips, heavy chains, public activity, being hit in the face, and being caged up. I also haven’t really… I’ve had sex, but I always topped. So I’ve never really had anything  _ in  _ me before… So that would take some working up to.” I can feel the heat creeping up my own cheeks now and I cringe when my voice almost cracks on my last words. 

“Okay. There’s nothing wrong with that.” Harry’s hand settles over my shoulder, thumb rubbing circles through my shirt and I’m strangely eased by it. I usually don’t like being touched or looking people in the eyes, but Harry makes it all feel different.

“Can I ask you something? I understand if it’s very personal or if you’d rather not answer.” I nod, waiting for the question. “Are you trans?” 

I almost snort a bit, realizing that I’ve not once mentioned it. John had used my correct pronouns from the get-go and no one else had questioned it either.

“Yeah, I am. I don’t mind talking about it either, don’t worry.” I say, hoping to ease the little bit of anxiety I can see in Harry’s eyes. 

He nods, staying quiet for a moment. I look around a bit more, just studying the objects around us, when I hear him take a long breath in.

“Would you like to do the intake today? To become a member here?” He questions simply.

“Yeah. I really like this place. Since I’m a bit familiar with it now, I won’t be so anxious coming here in the future. Thank you so much for bringing me.” I say honestly. Harry’s eye’s are somehow so bright in the lights of the room but so dark in the forest green of his iris. It feels like I’m missing something, like he’s putting something out and I’m just not seeing it. 

He hesitates, like he’s going to speak, but stops.

“That’s good.” He hums.

I just nod, wondering why he’s being so strange, but I shake it off and just hope I haven’t said something weird. I look down at my hands where they sit in my lap, fiddling with the silver hematite ring sitting on my middle finger, twisting it around to avoid looking at him again.

“I quite like you.” Harry suddenly says, not forceful like an accident but quiet like he almost didn’t want me to hear.

I don’t look at him right away, trying to process his words before I attempt a response that I’ll probably fuck up. I feel his hand heavy and warm on my shoulder still and when I turn to him, he has a small smile on his lips and his eyes seem to shine.

“I quite like you too,” I mimick. I do like him, he’s been incredibly nice to me and he’s also potentially the most attractive person I’ve ever met. I realize, though, that I don’t know nearly as much about him as he does me.

Before I can ask him anything, we hear a quiet sound from the lower level, like a door slamming closed. Harry checks his phone and nods.

“Mistress Pez is here.” 


	3. Chapter 3

When we arrive back on the first floor, I’m faced with a tall, blonde, and absolutely stunning woman standing at the front desk. Her bright blue eyes are the first thing I notice when she turns to me, a confused smile on her face. 

The confusion is only present on her fair features for a moment before recognition flits through her eyes. 

“You must be the newcomer Haz mentioned!” Her voice is just as sweet as her face, and I’m honestly shocked I’m still conscious and upright at this point. I’m positive that I’m standing between the most attractive man and woman I’ve ever seen and suddenly there are arms wrapped around my shoulders.

‘Pez’ had leaned in and hugged me to her chest tightly before I even had time to wrap my head around this. I wasn’t entirely sure what Harry had mentioned but clearly not my anxiety. Surprisingly, much like Harry, she sort of evaded the anxiety - I would be near tears if any stranger off the street did this but somehow she’s very comforting and motherly in the way she holds me for a few moments.

“Alright, Pez, you’re choking him on your bags!” Harry barks out a laugh at this, not quite his cackle from earlier but loud and bright nonetheless. 

The woman only laughs, though, and pulls away. I notice she’s wearing a knee-length and skin-tight black skirt and a strapless crop top to match. I’d guess she’s got a lot of money, given that she looks like she could be walking a red carpet the way she looks. She has fierce features, sharp cheekbones and dark colored lips, but her eyes are warm as she looks as me.

“It’s lovely to meet you,” she holds out her hand to shake mine, very firmly. “I’m Perrie Edwards, but I’m only addressed as Pez or Mistress Pez here. I’m an educator and mistress at Fetish.”  I nod, sure a blush in still dusting my cheeks as I try not to stare too hard.

“I’m Kyler. Nice to meet you, too.” It takes everything in me not to visibly cringe at what feels like an awkward exchange. It isn’t at all awkward but being so unused to social exchanges in general, everything is uncomfortable for me. 

“Have you decided if you’d like to join?” She asks, turning back to the desk to pick up a large folder and the clipboard Harry had written in earlier. Harry gives her the ring of keys he’d been using to open up the doors we passed, too.

I look to Harry, who gives me a reassuring smile, before nodding to Perrie. 

“Great! I conduct all intake interviews, and usually alone, but Harry’s got to learn the process so he can come with us. I’ll have a chat with you, ask you some stuff, take some notes, and then we’ll do a membership application for you. Lots of boring and potentially invasive paperwork, yay!” She cheers sarcastically, turning to walk into one of the private rooms towards the front door. I follow her and Harry, trying to breathe evenly and remind myself that I’ve been here for a while now and I know the surroundings. If I ever want to branch out and overcome the anxiety I need to face it and push forward.

In the room, there’s a sleek glass and metal table and some soft, colorful chairs. Some art hangs on the walls and it feels more like a waiting room than a bdsm dungeon’s intake room.

Perrie takes a seat, crossing her legs and looking strangely regal in the colorful room. Harry sits on the side of the table and pulls out the chair across from Perrie for me to sit. 

After arranging several rather thick packets of paper, she clears her throat a bit and smiles at me.

“Don’t worry, love, it looks a lot more formal than it is. I just need to know what you want out of this place - are you looking for education, a community, play?” She asks.

“Well, education and community mostly. I’m definitely too shy for play right now.” I try to speak louder than a mumble but I feel like I’m losing my voice a bit. I shake my head and clear my throat, thinking about how comfortable I’ve felt with Harry all day. 

When I look over at him to my left, he’s smiling big and bright, dimples on full display. It’s a bit infectious and I smile back, slightly more at ease.

“Good. We get a lot of people wanting a play space but this is a commitment. We want people who value a community and want to learn and grow. Now I’m going to go through this application - we keep it on file for each member here as long as you’re with us - and some stuff might be a bit uncomfortable for you if you’re shy, but nothing you could say is a wrong answer, okay love?” She reaches across and pats my hands where I’m twisting my fingers in front of me. I breathe and nod, feeling like I’m in an interrogation somehow.

Perrie leans back in her chair, picking up a packet and looking over it. With a pen she begins marking things, and she sighs out happily when she looks at me again.

“So, lots of quick stuff first. Age, full legal name, preferred pronouns?” She questions, not looking back at me as she writes my responses.

“Nineteen, Kyler Joshua Simmons, and male pronouns.” I reply.

“Great. Role?” She asks.

“Submissive.” I reply, and I can feel my nerves easing. This is pretty much what one would expect from an intake like this, and nothing terribly uncomfortable has come up… _ yet _ .

“And little.” Harry chimes, a warmth in his cheeks that I only barely catch.

“Cute! We have a small nursery and playroom if you were ever interested in that.” It’s my turn to burn, and I eye my hands to avoid Harry’s stare as Perrie keeps talking.

“I’ve got some forms for you to fill out yourself. There’s a health check form, an emergency contact form for safety, and a personal profile. The first two are necessary but we’d really appreciate the third as well because it helps up decide where you’d fit best in education programs and group activities here!”

Somehow Perrie has remained quite upbeat throughout this, despite it being not even eleven in the morning. I do my best to hold in a sigh as she hands me the thicker packet and a blue pen. 

Harry and Perrie chat while I work through it, occasionally talking to me and answering any questions I have. I end up putting Louis down as my emergency contact seeing as I don’t actually know anyone else well enough in England. The health form is a bit more personal, including a section specifically for transgender people about their transition process which I greatly appreciated. 

The profile section made up almost the entire packet with nearly twenty pages. Most of it was categorizing and determining what kind of sub I am, and a very very extensive checklist used to determine limits and likes. I learned a lot about my interests just filling it out and when I checked my phone after I finished I realized it had been almost half an hour since we’d met with Perrie.

I cap my pen and set the papers down to slide them across to Perrie. I should probably have expected the small cheer from her, but it still made me laugh. 

While Perrie reads through the packet, reviewing my answers, she’s nodding and writing something down in the form on her clipboard. I don’t really understand why they need all of this but if it helps me in the long run I will gladly fill out all her forms. 

Harry leans closer to me, rolling his chair to my side of the table. 

“Was it that bad?” He asks, a concerned frown creasing his brow.

“What? No, I liked it.” I reply.

“You look like you could piss yourself, if I’m honest.” Harry deadpans, looking at me like I’ve gone a bit crazy.

I can’t help but laugh, trying to cover my mouth and I lean my forehead onto the surface of the table to hide.

“This is great, Kyler. Very thorough. Thank you so much. I’m going to have a card made for you, it’s just like a check-in card that you can show to Harry or whoever is at the desk whenever you come in.” I nod as Perrie cleans up all the papers and stacks them back in the folder. Harry stands just before she does, and I follow suit unsure of where to go next.

It occurs to me that I hadn’t asked Harry if he was taking me home as well, but I decide not to ask and if he doesn’t offer I’ll just pay for the uber home. 

I see that my worrying is a bit early when Harry takes me to the small elevator in the lobby and tells me he’s going to show me the third floor.

Perrie smiles and waves us off when we get in, and I don’t really know what to expect. I’ve obviously seen dungeon areas before, I’ve seen playrooms and all that but seeing them in person is very different. 

“These all stay unlocked at all times, no doors have locks. For safety. They can be closed for privacy, however.” Harry wraps his hand around my wrist and gently tugs me down one of two halls in front of the elevator, all the doors open and revealing numerous well made beds in each room. They honestly just looked like bedrooms for four to ten people each, with a random collection of kinky furniture and toy displays. Each room has a different number of beds, but not one has only a single bed.

“Are there any rooms with only one bed?” I ask quietly, noticing that Harry hasn’t let go of my wrist despite me walking alongside him now.

“One, and it’s nearly soundproof. It’s usually saved for sensory deprivation scenes or private punishments.” I just nod, continuing to peek through each room as we pass them. We come to a turn in the hall and I see that it just connects to the second hallway we saw in front of the elevator. 

“This is nice. I like the rooms.” The rooms in this hallway appear to be themed; one is mostly blue and even has a waterbed, one is red and has plenty of sharp metal lying around. 

When we approach the elevator again, Harry’s hand is burning into my skin and I’d rather he be holding my hand instead of this but I don’t mention it. He presses the button and when we step inside, like he suddenly realizes he’s still holding on, he drops my wrist and mumbles a barely audible apology. I choose to keep silent, not having really minded it.

When we return to the main lobby, there’s a dark haired man talking to Perrie, and I vaguely recognize him from the munch. He’s - surprise, surprise - incredibly attractive, with light and neatly trimmed facial hair, dark eyes and broad shoulders. He’s not nearly as unrealistically beautiful as Perrie, however.

“Oh, I didn’t know you were coming today, Mr. Winston.” Harry nods politely toward the man, and I can see that he’s very important by the formal way Harry and Perrie both speak to him.

“Just stopping in. Perrie mentioned that we’ve someone new, would that be you?” The man, Mr. Winston, turns to me with a kind smile and his hand held out.

I hesitantly shake it, hoping my voice doesn’t fail me this time. 

“Yes, my name is Kyler. This is my first time here.” I can’t stop myself from looking to Harry where he stands next to the man for approval. Harry shoots me a quick thumbs up and smiles. 

“Pleasure to meet you. I’m Ben Winston, but I’d like you to address me as Mr. Winston or simply Sir for now. I’m the owner of Fetish.” I swallow dryly, understanding the sudden formality. “I suppose Perrie has done your intake and Harry has shown you around?” 

“Yes… sir.” I’m not terribly sure he means for me to address him like this, but I’d rather be safe than sorry, especially on my first visit. 

The smile Ben gives me seems like a good sign, though, and he nods just barely to confirm that.

“If you’d like, we have a group coming in for the tour in about an hour, and then an introductory level class that you’re welcome to participate in as a new member.” 

“Oh, thank you, sir.” I don’t really have any idea what I’d be doing for the next hour and a half before the class, or what the class is on, but something tells me he wants me to go. 

“I’m teaching the class on getting comfortable with your role in and out of the bedroom. I’d love for you to come, darling.” Perrie speaks up from her place by the desk, getting an approving nod from Ben. Before I respond, I look at Harry next to me and he’s got a small smile still sitting on his cheeks. 

“We could go for a quick lunch nearby before the class if you want.” He offers, and lunch sounds much better than awkwardly lingering in the building with no one but Perrie and the intimidating owner.

“That would be great, actually.” I say, feeling too loud and too unnecessary in the near silence of the lobby and amongst three uncannily attractive dominant people.

Ben nods us off and walks into the main room, calling a soft “Have fun,” over his shoulder.

“Haz, can you get me my coffee on your way back please? I’ll let you help me in class,” The way she sings the last bit makes me wonder what Harry’s so eager to teach in the class, but if he’s there with me still I’d be happy to see another familiar face to distract me from all of the unfamiliar ones bound to be there. 


	4. Chapter 4

“You have any food allergies or anything?” Harry’s asking me as we walk out of the door. The natural light is a bit bright to my eyes but it’s not too bad. 

“I’m a vegetarian, but no allergies.” I say, standing next to the taller man a bit awkwardly as he looks around. I can see a coffee shop just across the street, and what looks like a small diner, but not much else from the curb where we stand.

“Do you like breakfast?”

“Of course, Denny’s is my favorite place to eat. You just don’t have it here because Brits hate happiness apparently.” I laugh when he looks at me in fake shock, a hand over his chest as he scoffs.

“I don’t even know what that is - but you better watch that mouth before some nasty old wanker hears you.” Harry says with an exaggerated old accent, making me laugh even harder.

Even as I laugh, I can’t deny the way his words make me tense, make me want to hear him for real. His demeanor screamed dominance inside the club, but I haven’t actually asked him anything about himself yet really.

“Can I ask you something?” I ask.

“Shoot, love.” He smiles at me, not yet moving from where we stand.

“Are you a dom or a sub?”  I figure the question came out easily enough, but it’s never that simple with my brain, unfortunately, because everything else I’m wondering comes out too. “And how old are you? Where are you from, how long have you been in the scene?” I blurt. 

The words rushed out of my mouth but I didn’t really care to stop them, I only laugh a bit at how ridiculous I sounded word vomiting like that.

“Alright, well I’m a dom but have been known to switch. My name is Harry Edward Styles, I’m twenty five, and I’m originally from Holmes Chapel… which you probably have never heard of.” I giggle a bit behind my hand at that, rolling my eyes at him before he finishes. “I’ve been in the scene for seven or eight years now. Started coming here before I was eighteen, had to buy a fake i.d to get past the intake.” 

My eyebrows raise and I stand rooted to my spot in shock.

“You came here before you were of age? Why?” I ask.

“I never played or anything, I came for the classes. I thought I was ‘mature enough’ to dom whoever I wanted… I can’t even begin to tell you how hard Pez beat my ass. She’s been here for a decade now and was  _ not  _ happy when I started coming.”

“I can’t imagine you being a scrawny teen trying to whip someone,” I try to contain the laughs at this, but when Harry bursts into laughter I can’t stop it. I’m near tears when we finally calm down again, and when he points down the road toward the diner, I nod.

“You don’t even want to know. Pez actually made me sub for the first time ever and it was like, a borderline religious experience for me. It completely changed the way I understood everything about power exchange and kink.” Harry says as we walk down the street.

He’s surprisingly reflective and serious despite his airy tone, a small smile still sitting on his lips as he looks at me.

“Wow. That’s kind of incredible.”  I sigh, debating whether or not to tell Harry what else I’m thinking. “I feel like I’m sort of waiting for something. Like I love what I know now, but I feel like there’s supposed to be something more and I’m just missing it.” I say.

He stays quiet for a bit too long as we walk and stop on the corner, waiting to cross. 

“… Maybe you just haven’t been with the right person.” He finally replies, not looking at me. 

“Maybe.” I watch him look around before he bites into his lower lip and looks down at me. He offers his hand as the signal changes, and I take it as we cross the street.

There’s a calm air between us but it feels like something is lingering,  just kind of waiting to be said. I’ve never been good at understanding other people and this is just another show of that. 

Harry doesn’t let go of my hand when we’ve crossed the street, just continues to gently lead me towards the diner. It’s a nice quiet as we walk the short distance, but my mind is racing trying to think of things to say. 

I don’t have too much time to go from nervous to full blown panic, thankfully, as Harry tugs me towards the glass doors of the small, homey diner. 

When we enter, we’re enveloped by warm air and soft lighting, a few tables bustling with chatter but otherwise the place is mostly empty.

Harry squeezes my hand a bit when I sigh in relief, silently hoping to be sat away from the filled tables. I look around Harry, peeking at the bar counter, before looking over to the small table where a waitress stopped before coming up to us. 

She flashes a polite smile, and leads Harry and I to a small booth tucked into the corner of the place, far enough away from the closest people for my anxiety to begin to ease a bit as we slide into the dark red leather seats. I don’t look at the woman as I thank her, just opening the menu placed in front of me and looking as the drinks. 

I haven’t got much money to spend freely like this, but the food is cheap and smells delicious. When prompted, I order a coffee, but Harry interrupts me.

“Their milkshakes are fucking amazing, though.” He says, and I barely glance up at him to see him smiling easily, menu still in front of him.

“The milkshakes are also like six bucks in my dollar.” I reply, trying not to sound to sarcastic in front of the woman still standing to the right patiently. I hear a small laugh, and my cheeks warm in hopes that it was at my joke and not me.

“What - No, I’m paying for this. Pick a shake.” Harry pull the menu from my hands, flipping open to the back page to show the selection of milkshakes before setting it down in front of me. 

I scan the list quickly while Harry orders a banana shake with extra cherries, which makes me grimace a bit. I decide to get a cookies and cream one, but it takes me a moment before I can order it out loud after peeking up at the waitress. 

“Can I get the cookies and cream one please?” I ask, hoping she can hear me. I keep my eyes trained on my menu as I thank her. Making eye contact was really difficult for me, but despite how frustrating it is the anxiety that builds whenever I try is just too much for me. I take a moment to look through the meals again, not acknowledging Harry as I try to calm my nerves and breathe evenly. 

“Are you alright?” Harry says softly. 

I set the menu down again before taking a deep breath in, and huffing it out.

“Yeah, just-” I close my mouth, stopping the words from tumbling out this time. “I’m fine. Just some anxiety.” I say instead.

He doesn’t look convinced, but he reaches across to take one of my hands in his, fingers fitting between mine as he looks his own menu and pretends to be reading it. I can see his eyes scanning the same page over, and he clearly knew his choice picks by heart. 

I can’t complain though. Not when his palm is heavy and warm against mine like this. His whole hand dwarfs mine in size but the difference is strangely comforting. 

“What are you getting?” He asks, still reading the same page. 

I decide after a last look to get some eggs, skipping the pancakes in favor of my nervous gut and the looming reminder that I have to sit in a room potentially full of strangers after this. 

“Just some scrambled eggs and grits.” I respond.

We don’t speak much while we wait for the waitress, but luckily it doesn’t take too long. The view outside the windows beside us is nice, and I watch the people passing by on the street while the woman brings over our drinks. 

I was shocked out of the daze I was beginning to fall into when Harry’s thumb ran over the side of my hand and I realized he was talking to the waitress. 

“Just eggs, sunny side up, and the toast with avocado spread for me. Scrambled eggs with grits for him, please.” 

I blink up at him for a moment, but wait until the woman has her back to me once again to heave a sigh of relief. 

“I… thank you.” I mumble, hoping he can hear me. When he squeezes my hand gently, I know he has.

For a moment, we’re quiet again as we sip at our shakes. It’s not forced, it’s not uncomfortable. As I let my nerves start to wean off I watch Harry’s eyes scan over the diner, to the window, and finally he settles on me again.

“So what is the class about?” I ask, not wanting to yet again disturb the peace but curious just what I was in for.

He takes a long sip before answering, reaching into the top of his glass to pluck a cherry and set it on his napkin.

“Well, it’s mostly a led discussion of power exchange roles and how to embrace what and who you are. In order to be truly comfortable you have to understand how much of yourself is invested in your role.” He bites into the cherry and contemplates his next words for a moment. 

“For example, some people use submission or dominance simply as a mode to engage in physical pleasure, where some people feel their submission or dominance is an integral part of their person. The class is really aimed at giving newer people or people who are questioning themselves some guidance, and the resources to both understand their identity and to understand the beauty of it. Little bit of a support group too.” 

I bite into my lip unknowingly as I listen to Harry. His voice is firm and his eyes almost look excited as he talks, and I’m suddenly very curious about his part in the class. 

“So what do you do with Perrie?”

“Hm?” His head tilts a bit but nods anyway. “I mostly chat with people one on one, talk to them about the significance of being true to yourself, all that.” 

I hum, and go back to my drink while I mull over what he’s said. I’m definitely interested in the class and I’ve decided today I’m just fairly lucky to catch it. I know if Harry wasn’t here I wouldn’t have even gone to Fetish let alone picked up a class. 

“You alright?” Harry asks, jarring me slightly but not uncomfortably. I smile a bit to myself when I feel his hands toying with my fingers. 

As I nod he drags one of my hands away from my glass, before I feel something on my fingers. He’s got his straw wrapper wrapped around my middle finger, and he ties it at the top before squeezing my hand proudly. 

I see our waitress in the corner of my eye and preemptively pull back from Harry, though I don’t like the cold that settles into my hands again. He looks a bit startled by my move, but doesn’t question it when our food is being set in front of us. 

I focus on the food for a bit, starting to feel a bit uncomfortable as I take small bites, sure to pause for a beat between lifting my fork to my mouth. I look out the window to distract myself from counting my bites, counting the times I lift my fork and the times my jaw closes and opens. It doesn’t help much, but it at least keeps my mind occupied on something other than the minute tension I’ve built up. 

I hear Harry’s fork clatter against his plate, followed by a heavy sigh.

“What happened?” He asks when our eyes meet.

I frown, staring at him questioningly. “What do you-”

“You know what I mean. Have I… said something wrong?” His lip is tucked between his teeth and I can see where marks will be left behind from the aggressive gnawing. 

“No, sorry. I’m sorry. I just get really stuck in my head when I like… eat, I guess. I hate eating in front of people honestly. I didn’t mean to upset you.” I explain.

He huffs a bit. Pulling his lip away from the teeth it was trapped between, mouth a bit wet and red as he stares at me for a moment.

“I’m not upset, love. Thought I’d upset you. I’m sure this won’t make you feel any better but, no one can really see us over here. Specifically you.” He offers a small smile, and I decide to shake my shoulders out a bit and nod.

“Yeah. Sorry. The food is really good though, thank you for bringing me.” I tell him honestly, sipping at my drink and avoiding his eyes. 

He stares at me, not moving, until I start eating again. I wait until he’s picked up his fork and he’s stopped staring to really enjoy the food. I meant it when I said it was really good, I really liked it surprisingly. It wasn’t often that I found such good diner food in London. 

We eat without much more conversation, only really stopping to point out a small dog walking past the window in a cute raincoat. Harry stops every now and again to watch me but otherwise only smiles at me when we catch eyes. I’ve finished my drink and most of my food by the time Harry’s cleaned his plate and glass out entirely. 

The server swings by only to bring the check, but before we make to get up, Harry holds his hand out, a charry dangling from his fingers.

“You want it?” I laugh a bit, his dimples out in full force with a goofy smile.

“No thank you,” I giggle a bit as he wiggles it around in front of my face.

“You  _ sure _ ? It’s the last one!” I shake my head, but decide to hold my hand underneath it and take it anyways.

Harry drops it happily, looking entirely pleased with himself as I pop it in my mouth and pull off the stem. Its sweet, sugary and absolutely delicious. 

I don’t realize I’ve groaned aloud with the taste I’ve missed so much until I hear Harry trying to push down a cackle. 

“I forgot how good these were.” I say, feeling my face heat up as he giggles at me. 

When the waitress returns Harry’s card, we stand, my legs feeling tired from sitting so long. Harry leads me out of the diner and easily grips my hand again while he steers me towards a coffee shop on the way back to the club. 

Harry’s steps are rushed as cold wind whips around us, my nose quickly going cold in the few minutes it takes to walk there.

I smile when we walk in and warm air envelopes us again along with the smell of espresso and sugar. 

“What do you want?” I look at him, surprised, but I turn to the menu.

“I’ll just get myself a small green tea soy latte.” I mumble out, mostly to myself.

“...Or I’ll get you a medium green tea soy latte.” He hums and walks up to the counter before I could argue. I sigh loudly so he can hear, but I still smile gratefully when he turns to wink at me after ordering four drinks. I vaguely wonder who the last is for, but I assume it’s for Ben or someone else.

“Don’t even say anything - it’s my pleasure.” He say before I can even get a word out. I smile shyly and look around to avoid him seeing the burning red on my cheeks.

“What happens during class? Is it all talking…?” Hoping that he doesn’t see the nerves in my face, I look around the shop again before looking towards the counter. I don’t want him to know how anxious I’m starting to get as we near the club again, because I’m actually really looking forward to the class.

“Well it’s mostly talking, some discussion if people have questions. Speaking of - I’ll have to get you a journal.”

“A journal?” I ask, confused what a journal has to do with kink classes.

“It’s not necessary, but we find it really helpful. We do a series of classes, and we like to have ‘students’ keep track in their journals. Our basic classes involve discussing and writing about hard and soft limits, writing about why we enjoy what we do, simple things. The journals are so we each have a physical reflection of our thinking and our growth to look back at.” 

Just as he’s finishing his words, the barista calls out Harry’s order and hands him a carrier tray with all our drinks. 

I step ahead of him to hold the door open, and the cold wind brings back a rush of the anxiety I was trying to forget. 

“I think you’ll have a good time. You don’t need to do anything in this class if you don’t want to. Or ever, obviously, but you know what I mean. No mandatory participation or anything.” He says, trying to sound casual, as if he’d have said it to anyone else. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so sorry this took....so. very. long. to update. I really lost the idea I had for this tbh - I'm trying the 'pantsing' style of writing and needless to say I forgot my mental road map...whoops.   
> please let me know if you like this or not!


	5. Chapter 5

Needless to say, walking back through the doors of Fetish when the desk area is filled with people was quite terrifying for me. I try to put on a steely face when I open the doors for Harry, but the look Perrie gives me when she spots us doesn’t exactly reassure me I’m doing it well. 

She walks past a few people, excusing herself from her conversation to walk over to Harry and I where we stopped closer to the door and further from the small group. Harry points out which drink is hers, and I take mine from the carrier as well so he can toss the cardboard in the bin by the desk.

“Lovely, thank you Haz. Kyler, I’m glad we haven’t scared you off just yet. I’m really happy you decided to come to this class, you know.” 

Perrie leaned in close to speak to me, a warm smile on her face. I want to feel comforted by her, by how nice and genuine she seems, but my mind is on override. I take a deep, long breath and close my eyes for just a second longer than I need to, before forcing myself to look around. 

“I’m really terrified.” I force out, lifting my shoulders a bit. “But if I didn’t challenge myself I would never leave my home. Under all the anxiety I’m actually excited for the class. Even if you can’t see it.” I add.

“I want you to know right now that you are not obligated to stay. If you truly are uncomfortable, I would be happy to schedule time with you to chat about the class topics one on one instead.” Her hand is warm when she squeezes my shoulder quickly and gently before turning to look around the room.

I smile tightly and nod, feeling unusually grateful for her caring disposition. 

Harry nudges me with his elbow, hands full with the two other drinks, and smiles. 

“I’ll be there the whole time too. We’ll grab the good couch before the other guests are let in,” He sends a wink before someone calls his name. 

“Harry, can we talk for a moment?” I can hear Ben call over the sound of others chatting, and I freeze up a bit before moving towards the wall to lean against it in wait.

Harry only frowns, looking at me for a long moment, his eyes looking indecisive, before he turns to where he heard Ben.

“I’ll be right back.” He mumbles to me, dipping through pair of people engulfed in their dramatic conversation next to us. 

As I stare at the wall in front of me, I try to calm myself down once again. I take in the sounds around me first, letting the different voices sink into my head first. I breathe for five counts in, hold it for a beat, and let it out for seven counts. Trying to follow my therapist’s breathing exercises always had me feeling silly, but it helped. When my hands loosen up and my cheeks start to cool down I let myself look around. To avoid searching for Harry or Perrie right away, I try to familiarize myself with the foreign faces around me. I linger on each person, scanning over and over. 

It takes about ten minutes for me to spot Harry again, coming back into the waiting area with Perrie and Ben in tow. Ben is holding the last drink Harry got, and his eyes are immediately on me. I’m uneasy with the way he watches me endlessly as they approach where I’m standing, but I shake it off as nerves.

Harry smiles brightly at me, eyebrows lifted with a goofy wiggle. He’s got something in his hand but I don’t see what it is before he hides it behind his back.

“Something told me you were a hardcover, hipster aesthetic kind of guy,” Harry pulls his hand back to hand me a thick journal with a hardcover and  _ beautifully  _ ornate design, before continuing. “So I conned Ben into giving this one up in exchange for a week of coffee runs.” 

I almost don’t want to take it, but the journal is so amazing I can’t help but reach out anyway. I look up at Ben’s smiling face as I flip through the gold-lined edges.

“Thank you so much, oh my god. This is the nicest journal I’ve ever seen?” I laugh a bit with the older man’s soft chuckle. I blink and drop my smile when I realize I’ve forgotten something important. “I mean - thank you, sir!”

“I have a bad habit of hoarding fancy writing tools I’ll never use. I’m glad you like it.” He pauses for a moment, sharing some kind of look with Perrie. The authority surrounding the man makes me nervous, but my fear of him disliking me has lessened quite a bit. “I have something important to talk to you about, but I don’t want to add any anxiety for you. Try to enjoy the class, but if you have a moment afterwards, I’d like to chat.” 

I nod immediately, fearing slightly the idea of rejecting the request.

“No pressure, it’s nothing bad, I assure you.” He smiles, this time bright and much more real. 

“The class should be ready soon so let’s head in and call dibs on our couch.” Harry says, leaning in to whisper the last part from where he stands beside me. I try to smile, and politely say goodbye to Ben and Perrie.

Someone stops Harry to say hi on our way to the room the class is being held in, giving him a quick hug and asking him about how finding… something is going. I don’t want to eavesdrop (or at least not  _ look  _ like I am) so I look around at the art on the walls while Harry mumbles out something about having a good feeling. He quickly rejoins me and leads me into the room, pushing open the doors for us both.

  
  


As it turns out, sitting on an incredibly comfortable couch does not make talking about sex in a room full of people any less awkward. Harry stayed with me most of the class, but towards the end when people started up a discussion, Harry went to the front to sit with Perrie while he talked.

“Do you have any advice for men who have trouble coming to terms with being submissive?” A man in the corner of the room asks, pen poised over a page. “I have a really… hard time letting go of like, how I think a man should act when I’m trying to submit.” 

Harry hums, nodding for a moment. 

“For me, it was very difficult to let go of masculinity being attached to dominance. When I first started out, I was a teenager that thought I could dom whoever I wanted because I had a big dick,” the group laughs around me as my cheeks redden, but I can’t take my eyes off of Harry seated in the front of the room. “The single most important thing I did for myself was detaching from the idea of masculinity and focusing on serving. My priority in any scene is serving my partner, as a submissive or as a dominant. For you, it might be pleasure, or something else entirely.”

The way he was leaning against a St. Andrews cross nailed into the floor looked so casual in such a misplaced way. His eyes were intensely focused on the floor as he thought, and I could hear pens scratching on paper. I had filled many pages with notes now, mostly on what to ask myself and how to evaluate my desire to submit, but while Harry spoke, all I could do was watch and listen.

“Regardless of your intent and desires, as a submissive, you have an inherent desire to serve - to please someone else in whatever ways deemed proper. Submission is a gift you choose to give to someone, a gift you protect and cherish and craft very carefully. It is not somehow  _ lesser  _ of you to give of yourself. It will never make you a lesser person, and while many old-fashioned protocols may insinuate that a submissive is lower than the dominant, that simply isn’t true. Be proud of what you do to make your dominant happy. Be proud of your work, your submission, and your loyalty.” 

By the time he tapered off, the room was silent, and my throat was so tight. I’d never in my life heard someone speak so highly of submission, especially in a BDSM context. 

“That was beautiful, Harry.” Perrie smiles lovingly at Harry, like a proud mother almost. I can’t imagine what it would be like to see someone grow from a bratty teen into someone like Harry. When I look back to him, he’s already staring me down.

There’s something there - again. I feel like I’m missing everything he’s trying to send me because I’m left clueless when he turns away. 

“Thank you so much, sir.” The man from earlier responded, still writing furiously. I wonder, briefly, what everyone else is writing about. I’m shaken when suddenly someone moves to sit next to me. 

Ben reclines very casually, despite looking nearly out of place with how formal he looks on this leather couch. He smiles at me and pats my knee before turning his attention to Harry and Perrie. While my anxiety had dwindled to nearly nothing during the class in my focus, I could feel my hands start to shake next to Ben. He was so intimidating to me, and I had a feeling that would never change.

A girl, closer to my age than most people in the room, raises her hand politely and waits for Harry to point at her.

“This is a sort of random topic, so I apologize if this is something you’d rather not discuss in this class, but I was hoping you could talk a bit about collaring? Specifically, when is the right time to consider collaring a sub, what should be taken into account when doing so, things like that.”

Perrie excuses herself and passes the question to Harry. I find this a bit strange, but don’t have the mind to question it when takes a seat on the ned of the couch next to Ben. If I wasn’t panicking before, I am now.

“Collaring, to most, is a very special thing.  Now, there’s a difference between play collars, commitment collars, day collars, and so on. Play collars are used just in play and don’t need to represent any kind of commitment whatsoever, whereas a locking collar worn regularly is likely a sign of significant commitment between a dom and sub. Some people just like collars.” Harry smirks a bit, but he remains mostly serious while he talks. I’m so intrigued by the way he composes himself so well in front of these people. He sort of commands the space, especially now that Perrie has sat down. 

I shuffle my hands around, capping the pen in my hand and focusing on my breathing. Ben and Perrie are whispering next to me, but I don’t look at them. Harry is looking at me again when I look up and I try to pay attention to his words instead of his body. His hands are tensed when he crosses his arms.

“Personally, I see collaring long-term or with a lock as a massively significant commitment, but for you it may just be a nice, casual thing while you’re with someone. Something you should do is decide what you want to feel when you see this collar. When it’s on the submissive, do you want to feel like you own that sub while you play? Do you want to feel that deeper connection when you see your collar on their neck? Or do you want to see something pretty wrapped around it when you go out together? How you want to feel when you see the collar on the sub is a good indicator of what you want out of collaring. When you sort of understand what you want, then you need to talk with the sub about what  _ they  _ want. Do they want to feel owned during a scene, but go home feeling free? Ask them if they want to feel like you’re always with them, as though they’re serving you proudly and are being rewarded with the collar. That discussion should lead right to the answers of when and how to collar a sub, too. It’s all about the relationship.”

I hear some clicking next to me, only looking out of the corner of my eye to see Perrie taking notes on her clipboard, filling in some sort of chart under a few papers. Ben hums and whispers something to her, the pair nodding and watching Harry.

A few more questions are asked, but the session seems to be winding down, and soon Harry breaks and tells everyone to move back into the lobby and chat as the class is over.

He comes straight to me, a tired smile on his face. People stop him briefly and offer praise for his answers, but he sighs when he sinks back into the couch.

“You look so tired,” I say, smiling when he laughs a bit.

“Talking to groups takes a lot out of me when there’s no action. Give me a flogger or a paddle and I can talk for hours, though.” He smirks and throws an arm over the couch behind me very carefully, trying to seem casual but I can tell his actions are very calculated. He’s watching me very closely, not even looking to Ben or Perrie. 

“How do you feel?” He asks, voice a low hum from his chest.

I take a breath to collect myself, shutting my journal and thinking.

“I really enjoyed this a lot. I knew I needed to reflect, but I’m kind of terrible at it when I don’t know what questions I should be asking. I’ve already got a far better idea of who I want to be as a sub than I did before.” I speak honestly because I don’t feel I have anything to hide right now. I feel strangely vulnerable when he looks me in the eye, but his warmth makes it feel safe.

“Good. I’m really happy that you liked this. We’d love to have you for our other classes.” I nod right away in response, and he smiles brighter. He eyes me closely still and hesitates before speaking again. “Who do you want to be as a sub, then? What are you thinking about?” 

Breathing in deep, I expected this kind of question from him but I’m not sure I’m prepared to answer it. I’m very aware of when Ben and Perrie slowly quiet and turn to listen to me. I’m far too aware of how strange my voice sounds in the now almost silent room, but I push myself to speak.

“I vaguely knew what I was interested in, but I didn’t feel like I had enough experience to know what I wanted out of a relationship with a dom. Kind of thought I’d be happy with some ordering around and some paddling, to be honest. But I know I need a lot more than that. I think I’d be more comfortable with a strict dom and lots of routine than with something casual and play-oriented, I guess.”

It’s quiet for a moment, and my throat tightens in fear before Ben speaks.

“That was a lovely reflection, Kyler. I’m really pleased that you enjoyed this.” I try to smile but I’m sure it looks pained. “I wanted to speak to you earlier about something. We offer training for new members, offered on an individual basis. It’s rarely offered as it is one-on-one, but from Harry and Perrie’s suggestions, you’d fit well. It is entirely up to you, and there is no pressure to accept now or ever!” He rushes the last bit, placing a firm but reassuring hand on my shoulder while I take in the offer.

“What...what do you mean by training?” I ask, feeling a bit stupid but curious. I’m terrified by everything in the moment, but it could be just what I’ve been looking for in a mentorship.

“Well, either Harry, myself or Perrie would be able to work with you individually to develop the skills and personal confidence you might want as a submissive. The training can include whatever you decide is best, including actual practices such as impact play, sensory deprivation, punishment and rewards, etcetera.” I nod, and when Ben smiles this time I look him in the eye and nod.

My hands are shaking so hard and I’m starting to sweat, my chest is tight with worry as my anxiety rockets, but I know this is what I want. I’ve been searching for some kind of fucking manual to being a good submissive - one that obviously doesn’t exist. 

“That sounds really amazing, actually.”

A hand settles over mine where they’re clenched in my lap, and I know it’s Harry without looking. The arm over my shoulder moves down to wrap over me, and he’s leaning into my ear before I can look at him.

“Are you sure? You look terrified,” I cut him off immediately, words pouring from my mouth almost aggressively as I squeeze my eyes shut as tightly as I can.

“It’s just my anxiety, I promise. If I don’t push myself, I’ll walk out of the door today and never come back. You’ll text me or call me once a week to see if I’m up for a class, and every time I’ll give you an excuse, before I eventually ignore you. And I’ll spend the next five years or more regretting never following through with this because I’ll be  _ exactly  _ where I am now, sitting at home most nights and wishing that I could be living to my full potential.”

The room is dead quiet when I stop to breathe.

No one moves on the couch for a moment, before I hear someone let out a quiet breath.

“Okay.” I slowly open my eyes, taking deep breaths and unclenching my hands to wipe my palms on my jeans. Harry is staring at me, eyes so dark they almost look black despite the light in the room. 

“I want you to know,” Ben starts next to me, but I don’t look at him right away. His hand takes one of mine gently, and he waits until I’ve turned to him before he continues. “We do our best to take care of everyone here. If you do this training there will be a contract, there will be expectations, and it will push you. But we do this so we can help people like you grow and be confident in your abilities. We will absolutely take care of you, no matter how long you choose to stay here. Is this something you really want to do?”

There is nothing but warmth in the man’s eyes as he looks at me. As intimidating as he is, he just seems to radiate an almost parental warmth, like that of a caretaker. I can see Perrie smiling from where she leans around him, her eyes bright.

Harry holds onto the hand not in Ben’s grasp, and I can feel him tense beside me. 

“Yeah. It is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am,,,, so sorry for not updating in so long! I just kept staring at the page, with this only a third finished, and I just couldn't get the words on the page.   
> But I've sort of made some decisions about how the story will progress, and it seems to have helped my writer's block.
> 
> I'm considering posting this as a larry story instead - how would you guys feel? I'd likely keep this version up. I actually really like this version, so I want to keep writing it, but I know most people don't like OC's. Tell me how you feel about it and give me feedback please!


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